I lived in my greatest moments, and I relive them in my memory. These moments truly are to be treasured as they carry you through life with a feeling of worth, pride and accomplishment. Here are just some memories I constantly relive;
1. 1997 - Larut Matang & Selama Inter-school District Athletics Meet, SMK Teknik/Vokasional, Kamunting - 400 metres finals. I was in the 8th lane, being the slowest qualifier for the finals. Having finnished 5th in the semis, I didnt event think I would make the finals, but apparently, the heat I was in had all the top dogs. It was nerve wrecking. Knowing that I was the last qualifier meant I was the slowest and to finnish last would have been nothing short of embaressing... and then we were off. I remember thinking, alright, I'll run like a mad man and give it my all. I dont want to come in last!!! Coming round the 200 metre mark I was certain that the other runners would catch up with me. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my fellow team mate and another runner from a different school. Where were the other competitors?? When we came to the final stretch, there were only two runners ahead of me.
OH MY GAWD! I'm in third position! RUN!!! RUN LIKE THE WIND! YOU'RE IN THIRD POSITION! OH MY GAWD OH MY GAWD! PUFF PUFF PUFF... KEEP RUNNING! I finnished third and all 3 of us broke the previous record. It was a great feeling, but the 'moment' I remember most in this memory of mine is when I was running round the 300 metre mark with no one but 2 runners in sight and only the last stretch to go. It was an exhilirating experience. After that in the 4 x 400 metres, and as I ran as the first runner, I had great confidence. Going round the 200 metre bend and over-taking everyone else with a smug smile on my face, I was on top of the world.
2. 1995 - Mahkota Parade, Malacca - There was a piano exhibition in the centre of Mahkota Parade. There was a grand piano. I had been practising the piece 'Sweet Bye and Bye' for weeks. Not an overly difficult piece, but sounded quite tough. It was time for me to put it to the test. Me being the big show off at 12, I sat myself at the grand and started making music. A crowd started to gather. The sales girl stood on one side. She asked another bystander if I were his brother. He said no. My dad stood at the far end of the building watching. The memory I treasure most here is of seeing my father, standing there, looking so proud and giving me a hug at the end.
3. 1999 - King Edward Secondary School Hall, Taiping - English Language Carnival. The Choral Speaking Competition. We were third to perform. KE had only gone on. We were up next. I walked from the side entrance into the middle of the room. There was a table set in the middle of the room. I got up onto it and stood up. A little unstable at first, but I was used to it. Then the SGI team snaked onto the stage. I signaled for them to position themselves properly, and then we started. "GOOD MORNING!" *then everyone crouched in and spoke softly at the begining of the sentence, ending it louder and straightening up once again* "poised, on the treshold, of the NEW MILLENNIUM!"... at the end of the performance came a resounding applause. I knew we had done good. We should have won, and though we came in third, we were still proud of what we did. My moment here is the applause. You could say we brought the house down...
4. 1992 - Saint George's Institution (Primary school) - Darjah 3 Hijau - Puan Azizah was announcing the class positions. Saravanesh came in first, I dont remember if there was a second place, though there should have been but out of the blue, she announced my name for third position. Before that moment, I had consistently been number 19,20,21,22 and once number 11. What I remember is her asking me to stand up and getting the class to clap for me because of my vast improvement.
5. 1995 - Saint George's Institution (Primary School), School Hall - I had made the finals of the Story Telling Competition. I had always come in second or third and I was quite fed up. The teachers were always biased, but I knew this year, things were different. I was more confident and I had that desire to win. I came in first, but that was not what I remember the most. What I remember most is the standing ovation I got in the middle of my story telling. I had used my voice and immitated a door creaking open. I had to stop for a couple of seconds before I could continue. It was a great moment for a 12 year old.
6. 2005 - IVDC, Blackpool. Me and Weiqi were seated. The emcee was announcing the finalists of the Novice Standard. Each couple had to get onto the floor immediately. In the Southern Unis comp we had only managed the semis, so we really weren't expecting to get anywhere here at the Inter-Varsity or in other words, the nationals of the Uni circuit. Our number was 413. The finalists are announced numerically. Only 6 finalists. 4 couples from the 200s were called. Mostly Oxbridge couples. Naaahhh... we woudlnt make it. its too tough now, especially with more competition from the north! The next couple was in the 300s. We were just glad to have made it into the semis at the most important comp of the year! Then they announced.. four hundred and thirteen. HOLY SHIT! Both our jaws dropped. We coudlnt believe it. That is a moment I'll always remember. Not the dancing. Everything just went by with me just floating. I had made a final at IVDC. WOW! The impossible was achieved!!
There are plenty more where those came from. However, these stand out above the rest. What goes up must come down, so here are two of my greatest regrest in my short life;
1. 1996 - English Carnival, KE School. I was in the final 4 participants, and only one from my school left. I dont know what came over me, and I repeated a word. I could hear myself spelling it, and I knew I was repeating it. I was telling myself "STOP! STOP! STOP!" But it was over in a few seconds. I had dug my own grave.
2. 1999 - Associates Dip - I had missed the passing mark for an associates diploma with the London College of Music. I had the skills, but I didnt have the necessary knowledge. The practical was a breeze, but my knowledge on music theory was inadequate. It appeared my luck had run out on me.
Sigh... oh well.. shit happens. Life goes on, but it's always nice to just relive our triumphs once in a while innit?
Friday, May 20, 2005
F**K!
I had my conference assessment yesterday at 9.40am which ended at about 10.15. It went really well I thought. I had covered about four fifths of my plan which is pretty good, and I thought I had been clear and concise with my explanations. I came out of the room feeling really good, partly cause I hate conference and it's probably my weakest oral assessment. Yesterday, I thought I had out-done myself in the assessment. Over the phone, friends could hear how pleased I was with how the assessment went.
After that, I came home to have lunch and I wanted to sleep. As of 12.50pm, I hadn’t slept for about 29 hours straight. I had been up the entire night working on my plan and had tried to read up more on the law and practiced a little too. And then came the call. It was the school office. They wanted me to go in again and retake the assessment. Apparently the video tape used to tape my assessment had snapped. *The assessment will be viewed by the examiners on tape and is not marked live* I was horrified!
Here I was, thinking I did really well and that I covered my bases in the assessment in the morning, and then they call me and tell me that I have to do that blasted assessment all over again!! That was not all; they wanted me to get into school ASAP! No time to rest, no time to absorb the shock, and absolutely no time to think! My mind was already quite numb by that time. I mean, I was physically AND mentally exhausted! I was shivering and I couldn’t really stay awake. I had a cup of coffee before I was out of the door again for the 40 minute journey to school. COMMON!!! If they had rescheduled it for another day, maybe I wouldn’t be complaining as much, but to do it again in such a short span and in my state of mind, it was completely unfair on my part. The office told me that it was either I do it today (Thursday 19th May 2005) or come back in a few months to do it.
I was all geared up to do it in the morning, thinking I could give it all I've got and then come home and rest. To do it again at 3.20 was absolutely horrible. I couldn’t focus on the facts or the information. I was not being specific in my explanations because I couldn’t grasp onto the details I needed. I was so confused and I couldn’t control what I was doing anymore... I was going too slowly because I couldn’t process everything my client said fast enough... I only got to the beginning of my explanation as to the plea when my time was up. That was just the halfway point of my plan!!! It was HORRIBLE!! I came out feeling like shit. I had done so well in the morning, and then they took that away from me! I was so tired at that time; I even SLEPT standing up in the tube on the way home! My knees buckled a couple of times. It was so embarrassing, but I was just exhausted and cause it was rush hour, there were no seats and loads of people were standing.
They said they'll take into account that we had to redo the assessment, but really, I don’t think that’s enough in my personal circumstances. I was not at all ready for the retake, and I was definitely not in the same state of mind. I was tired, completely stressed out, highly strung up, shaking like I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms, and I couldn't think anymore. This is so totally unfair!
FUCK!!!
After that, I came home to have lunch and I wanted to sleep. As of 12.50pm, I hadn’t slept for about 29 hours straight. I had been up the entire night working on my plan and had tried to read up more on the law and practiced a little too. And then came the call. It was the school office. They wanted me to go in again and retake the assessment. Apparently the video tape used to tape my assessment had snapped. *The assessment will be viewed by the examiners on tape and is not marked live* I was horrified!
Here I was, thinking I did really well and that I covered my bases in the assessment in the morning, and then they call me and tell me that I have to do that blasted assessment all over again!! That was not all; they wanted me to get into school ASAP! No time to rest, no time to absorb the shock, and absolutely no time to think! My mind was already quite numb by that time. I mean, I was physically AND mentally exhausted! I was shivering and I couldn’t really stay awake. I had a cup of coffee before I was out of the door again for the 40 minute journey to school. COMMON!!! If they had rescheduled it for another day, maybe I wouldn’t be complaining as much, but to do it again in such a short span and in my state of mind, it was completely unfair on my part. The office told me that it was either I do it today (Thursday 19th May 2005) or come back in a few months to do it.
I was all geared up to do it in the morning, thinking I could give it all I've got and then come home and rest. To do it again at 3.20 was absolutely horrible. I couldn’t focus on the facts or the information. I was not being specific in my explanations because I couldn’t grasp onto the details I needed. I was so confused and I couldn’t control what I was doing anymore... I was going too slowly because I couldn’t process everything my client said fast enough... I only got to the beginning of my explanation as to the plea when my time was up. That was just the halfway point of my plan!!! It was HORRIBLE!! I came out feeling like shit. I had done so well in the morning, and then they took that away from me! I was so tired at that time; I even SLEPT standing up in the tube on the way home! My knees buckled a couple of times. It was so embarrassing, but I was just exhausted and cause it was rush hour, there were no seats and loads of people were standing.
They said they'll take into account that we had to redo the assessment, but really, I don’t think that’s enough in my personal circumstances. I was not at all ready for the retake, and I was definitely not in the same state of mind. I was tired, completely stressed out, highly strung up, shaking like I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms, and I couldn't think anymore. This is so totally unfair!
FUCK!!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
You Gotta Be
You Gotta Be
Des'ree
Chorus 1:
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
Chorus 2:
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Herald what your mother said
Readin' the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
my oh my heh, hey
Repeat Chorus 2
Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
oh oh oh
Remember
Repeat Chorus 1
My oh my heh, hey, hey
Reepat Chorus 2 til fade
Des'ree
Chorus 1:
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
Chorus 2:
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Herald what your mother said
Readin' the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
my oh my heh, hey
Repeat Chorus 2
Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
oh oh oh
Remember
Repeat Chorus 1
My oh my heh, hey, hey
Reepat Chorus 2 til fade
Are elephants afraid of mice?
It is a persistent rumour with a whole collection of jokes surrounding this topic. Even 2 housemates of mine think elephants are afraid of mice. Come to think of it, I am unsure as to whether they were pulling my leg or not. I was quite certain the answer was no, but they insisted they were right. Anyway, the discussion got me looking it up on the net.
So, are elephants really scared of mice though? The answer is no. It is only an old wive's tale that elephants are afraid of mice.
According to Richard O'Grady, Director-Secretary of Glasgow Zoopark:
"My practical experience is that elephants are not frightened of mice or rats. In fact, if there is an infestation of hundreds of rats, as I once saw in an old zoo down in England, the rats will even nibble at the elephant's feet when it is lying down sleeping, causing significant injuries."
However,it is likely that the reputation for being frightened arose from the fact that elephants are easily frightened by sudden, unexpected sharp movements. Basically, elephants flee from danger and whatever that is unknown to them. And, as we all know, "A bolting rat moves like greased lightning, and this would make anything rear up."
Also, as one astute observer points out, the great disparity in size between an elephant and a mouse makes it unlikely that an elephant would even notice a nearby mouse.
To end on a different note, I read that a rat can actually last longer without water than a camel!
So, are elephants really scared of mice though? The answer is no. It is only an old wive's tale that elephants are afraid of mice.
According to Richard O'Grady, Director-Secretary of Glasgow Zoopark:
"My practical experience is that elephants are not frightened of mice or rats. In fact, if there is an infestation of hundreds of rats, as I once saw in an old zoo down in England, the rats will even nibble at the elephant's feet when it is lying down sleeping, causing significant injuries."
However,it is likely that the reputation for being frightened arose from the fact that elephants are easily frightened by sudden, unexpected sharp movements. Basically, elephants flee from danger and whatever that is unknown to them. And, as we all know, "A bolting rat moves like greased lightning, and this would make anything rear up."
Also, as one astute observer points out, the great disparity in size between an elephant and a mouse makes it unlikely that an elephant would even notice a nearby mouse.
To end on a different note, I read that a rat can actually last longer without water than a camel!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Gerberas on my table...
Gerberas on my table, brightly coloured petals and sweetly scented nectar, colours of vibrant joy, exploding like fireworks... Elegant they stand, in a bottle on my table, necks of swans so long and slender, with audacious colours, they collide in harmony... Oh what a delightful sight they are, these Gerberas on my table.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Dim Stars
I read this in Reader's Digest and thought that it would be an injustice if I did not put it up on my blog...
"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
Arnold Schwarzenegger on FOX News
"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
Arnold Schwarzenegger on FOX News
Sheffield
Home is where the heart is, and it would be inevitable that most of us would grow fond of places we have lived at for periods of time. My two years in Sheffield saw me growing very attached to it for various reasons. It does not mean I love my hometown any less. It's just that Sheffield will always have a special place in my heart. Here are just a couple of reasons which spring to mind as to why Sheffield is dear to me;
1. My walks alone, especially at Taptonville Road. They were always so calming and somewhat serene. Being alone, I got a lot of time to reflect to myself and enjoy my surroundings... or even walking up and down Northumberland Road.
2. The crazy schedule I maintained before my exams (I.e. Sleeping till 3.45pm, work at 4.15pm till 8pm, having dinner and then sleeping from 8.30pm-11.30pm, waking up and going straight to the library (sometimes by bus and sometimes walking with Lyn... very fun cause we get to bitch).. staying in the library till I cant take it anymore, sometimes up till 9am, then taking the bus home to sleep and let the cycle repeat itself)
3. Dim Sum at Golden Dragon with Lyn. Pigging out even after we've had had lunch somewhere else. Deep fried king prawn dumping... yuummmmyyy... *drool*
4. Wan Tan soup and the "Pak kai' at Mei's Restaurant with the best of company. Best in town!!! Validated by friends.
5. The unconventional dinner conversations with Lyn, Weiqi and Mark.
6. The mad balancing of work during term time (running up and down hills to work and classes), dancing (running up hill with a stereo on my back after work to get to dance within 15 minutes... NOT EASY), and then coming home to work on assignments.
7. Indo mee parties with Lyn.
8. The skyline of the city of Sheffield from my room in Sorby Halls.
9. The offbeat practises... I know I drove them to the ground but it was all worth it.. muahaha... <-- me being sadistic.
10. My room in Crookes. The funky roof, my double bed, my chest of drawers... my walls with my posters, postcards and pictures plastered all over them...
11. The city centre. It's architectures, especially around Fargate and also the shopping 'stretch' there... the Peace Gardens, the Winter Gardens, Meadowhall...
12. Going to the pancake bar with Weiqi and having a large pancake with cheese and ham... MMmMmMmm...
13. Visiting Mark's place and breathing in germs and complaining whilst having endearing conversations and good laughs
14. Beef and Onion and Chow Mein with spare ribs from Jung Ying...
15. The Student's Union. The facilities, the cool hangout areas, the dance practises, the convenience...
16. Weston Park... a stroll every now and then... sometimes I'd go there and have lunch by myself...
17. My performances in Firth Court.. the grandeur of the hall...
18. Dancing with Agnes
19. Arriving home in Sheffield in the wee hours of the morning from a dance competition on the coach with the Sheffield Dancesport Team... I am always overcome by a sense of home, familiarity and happiness to be back.. it's hard to explain.
20. Last but NOT least, my friends...
In short, Sheffield is dear to me because of my memories...
1. My walks alone, especially at Taptonville Road. They were always so calming and somewhat serene. Being alone, I got a lot of time to reflect to myself and enjoy my surroundings... or even walking up and down Northumberland Road.
2. The crazy schedule I maintained before my exams (I.e. Sleeping till 3.45pm, work at 4.15pm till 8pm, having dinner and then sleeping from 8.30pm-11.30pm, waking up and going straight to the library (sometimes by bus and sometimes walking with Lyn... very fun cause we get to bitch).. staying in the library till I cant take it anymore, sometimes up till 9am, then taking the bus home to sleep and let the cycle repeat itself)
3. Dim Sum at Golden Dragon with Lyn. Pigging out even after we've had had lunch somewhere else. Deep fried king prawn dumping... yuummmmyyy... *drool*
4. Wan Tan soup and the "Pak kai' at Mei's Restaurant with the best of company. Best in town!!! Validated by friends.
5. The unconventional dinner conversations with Lyn, Weiqi and Mark.
6. The mad balancing of work during term time (running up and down hills to work and classes), dancing (running up hill with a stereo on my back after work to get to dance within 15 minutes... NOT EASY), and then coming home to work on assignments.
7. Indo mee parties with Lyn.
8. The skyline of the city of Sheffield from my room in Sorby Halls.
9. The offbeat practises... I know I drove them to the ground but it was all worth it.. muahaha... <-- me being sadistic.
10. My room in Crookes. The funky roof, my double bed, my chest of drawers... my walls with my posters, postcards and pictures plastered all over them...
11. The city centre. It's architectures, especially around Fargate and also the shopping 'stretch' there... the Peace Gardens, the Winter Gardens, Meadowhall...
12. Going to the pancake bar with Weiqi and having a large pancake with cheese and ham... MMmMmMmm...
13. Visiting Mark's place and breathing in germs and complaining whilst having endearing conversations and good laughs
14. Beef and Onion and Chow Mein with spare ribs from Jung Ying...
15. The Student's Union. The facilities, the cool hangout areas, the dance practises, the convenience...
16. Weston Park... a stroll every now and then... sometimes I'd go there and have lunch by myself...
17. My performances in Firth Court.. the grandeur of the hall...
18. Dancing with Agnes
19. Arriving home in Sheffield in the wee hours of the morning from a dance competition on the coach with the Sheffield Dancesport Team... I am always overcome by a sense of home, familiarity and happiness to be back.. it's hard to explain.
20. Last but NOT least, my friends...
In short, Sheffield is dear to me because of my memories...
“Asexuality: It’s not just for amoebas anymore”
Many heterosexual people have deemed homosexuality difficult to understand. True that there is a much higher level of tolerance amongst people and maybe some level of acceptance in society, but straight people would probably find it difficult to understand the sexual desire of gay and lesbian people to have sex with someone of the same gender. Conversely, homosexual people would probably have the same problem of understanding why straight people sleep with persons of the opposite sex. But enough of that jabber. The topic of homosexuality is just so 20th century. Move over homosexuality... HeLLoO Asexuality! The homosexuality of the 21st century!
Can you imagine being asexual (unless you ARE asexual already that is)? To have an extremely low, or even no sex drive to have sex with another person. As difficult it is to understand, it do exist. However, it is difficult to ascertain the percentage of asexuals from the general population, as the ideology of asexuality is a new one, which is alien to many. The difficulty arises where people who are unaware of the term and the ideas behind it may not describe themselves as being asexual, i.e. not many would identify themselves as asexuals because they are not presented with it as an option.
So what is asexuality then? Generally, the definition of asexual being "No or low sexual attraction to other people" is widely accepted. "The important distinction between asexual people and sexual people is that asexuals are not motivated to be sexual with the people they find physically attractive (and may not find anyone physically attractive at all)." So even if you have a low sexual attraction to other people, asexual people are unlikely to act upon those feelings.
Nevertheless, that is on the issue of sexual attraction. Asexual people may even identify themselves as homosexual/heterosexual or even bisexual and still find that they fit within the definition of asexuality. This is because asexuality only deals with the lack of sexual attraction. Asexual people may still have a desire to have relationships with other people, though their asexual relationships may not be based upon gender. Many asexuals can express love and feel intimacy even without the need of sexual activity. It has more to do with the emotional and romantic attraction. Some might go on to form unconventional relationships. The possibilities of non-sexual intimacy are vast. Some may desire physical closeness, perhaps cuddling or stroking with their partner, whereas some may express intimacy through talking and sharing their innermost fears and secrets, making each other laugh, sharing common interests and activities or even working together toward common goals. Meanwhile, some might even experience intimacy in other deeply personal ways. Hence, it may seem that asexual people might have healthy relationships if they were based on emotional attachments rather then sexual ones.
However, here is where the discussion gets complex and rather sticky. Some asexual people masturbate and some even have sex with other people. Though they masturbate because they may find it pleasurable, the distinction between asexual people masturbating and sexual people is that when asexual people masturbate whilst thinking of other people, it is purely fantasy. Given the opportunity to have sex with that person, the asexual person would have an extremely low sex drive or even none at all. As for asexual people who have sex, they may also find it pleasurable, but if the usage of sex was an expression of romantic or emotional attraction (love) rather than because you are driven to do so by a sex drive, then that need not contradict an asexual identity.
Therefore, it has to be repeated again that asexual people have a no or low sexual attraction to other people. Finding sex pleasurable does not mean that they would have a higher sex drive. It also must be pointed out that asexuality is different from celibacy and abstinence. If one is celibate for a reason, for example, religious purposes or if they dislike the experience of sex they are not asexual. The distinction between asexuals and celibate or abstinent people is that asexuals are not choosing to be asexual, they just are. They could choose to have sex and would still remain asexual as asexuality is about attractions and not about actions.
In a world where sexuality has been promoted as the norm, it will undoubtedly be difficult for asexual people to come out of their closets. Many have struggled by themselves and some may have even labelled themselves as freaks. However, with the growing awareness of asexuality and with the existence of a culture that is ready to accept sexual variation much more readily than it was before, it may be easier to accept it as opposed to homosexuality where religious extremists continue to condemn the lifestyle and constantly try to arouse and promote homophobia, but that's another story...
Can you imagine being asexual (unless you ARE asexual already that is)? To have an extremely low, or even no sex drive to have sex with another person. As difficult it is to understand, it do exist. However, it is difficult to ascertain the percentage of asexuals from the general population, as the ideology of asexuality is a new one, which is alien to many. The difficulty arises where people who are unaware of the term and the ideas behind it may not describe themselves as being asexual, i.e. not many would identify themselves as asexuals because they are not presented with it as an option.
So what is asexuality then? Generally, the definition of asexual being "No or low sexual attraction to other people" is widely accepted. "The important distinction between asexual people and sexual people is that asexuals are not motivated to be sexual with the people they find physically attractive (and may not find anyone physically attractive at all)." So even if you have a low sexual attraction to other people, asexual people are unlikely to act upon those feelings.
Nevertheless, that is on the issue of sexual attraction. Asexual people may even identify themselves as homosexual/heterosexual or even bisexual and still find that they fit within the definition of asexuality. This is because asexuality only deals with the lack of sexual attraction. Asexual people may still have a desire to have relationships with other people, though their asexual relationships may not be based upon gender. Many asexuals can express love and feel intimacy even without the need of sexual activity. It has more to do with the emotional and romantic attraction. Some might go on to form unconventional relationships. The possibilities of non-sexual intimacy are vast. Some may desire physical closeness, perhaps cuddling or stroking with their partner, whereas some may express intimacy through talking and sharing their innermost fears and secrets, making each other laugh, sharing common interests and activities or even working together toward common goals. Meanwhile, some might even experience intimacy in other deeply personal ways. Hence, it may seem that asexual people might have healthy relationships if they were based on emotional attachments rather then sexual ones.
However, here is where the discussion gets complex and rather sticky. Some asexual people masturbate and some even have sex with other people. Though they masturbate because they may find it pleasurable, the distinction between asexual people masturbating and sexual people is that when asexual people masturbate whilst thinking of other people, it is purely fantasy. Given the opportunity to have sex with that person, the asexual person would have an extremely low sex drive or even none at all. As for asexual people who have sex, they may also find it pleasurable, but if the usage of sex was an expression of romantic or emotional attraction (love) rather than because you are driven to do so by a sex drive, then that need not contradict an asexual identity.
Therefore, it has to be repeated again that asexual people have a no or low sexual attraction to other people. Finding sex pleasurable does not mean that they would have a higher sex drive. It also must be pointed out that asexuality is different from celibacy and abstinence. If one is celibate for a reason, for example, religious purposes or if they dislike the experience of sex they are not asexual. The distinction between asexuals and celibate or abstinent people is that asexuals are not choosing to be asexual, they just are. They could choose to have sex and would still remain asexual as asexuality is about attractions and not about actions.
In a world where sexuality has been promoted as the norm, it will undoubtedly be difficult for asexual people to come out of their closets. Many have struggled by themselves and some may have even labelled themselves as freaks. However, with the growing awareness of asexuality and with the existence of a culture that is ready to accept sexual variation much more readily than it was before, it may be easier to accept it as opposed to homosexuality where religious extremists continue to condemn the lifestyle and constantly try to arouse and promote homophobia, but that's another story...
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Agnes and Weiqi
My two fave gals at dance comps... Agnes, my Latin dancing partner whom I have shared many great moments with and Weiqi, my favourite Ballroom dancing partner, who gave me the most memorable Inter-Varsity Dance Comp!
At Sheffield's corner
Just a bunch of friends... from left, Elaine and Kerry (dont really know them), Aaron, Agnes, Feng, Fennie, Weiqi and me (dressed up sloppily but hey, at least I'm not in a skirt!)
Male Rumba
Dancing with Isaac in the all male's rumba event.. we did pretty well, making the finals... but my boobs had a mind of their own!! kept moving all over the place! Had to keep fondling myself to make them stay in place.
Cuppa boobs
Me being extremely high on the atmosphere and proud of my God given polystyrene assets... I dont really know what Weiqi is trying to do though...
Manchester Spring Competition 2005
The Sheffield couples didnt make it very far in the rounds as the girls were simply too ugly or rather too masculine... However, they did have good taste in clothing though...
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
How screwed up is that?
Case Study 5
Byron was arrested upon suspicion of burglary at 12, Shelley Street after a witness named him as the person she saw leaving the property at night carrying a television at around 9.05pm.
Later, Brian was arrested as his fingerprints were found inside the house. They are jointly charged. You represent Byron. In conference, he tells you that that evening, he has 3 alibis;
(a) from 7.45pm-9pm he was burgling 14, Larkin Road, Hackney;
(b) directly after that, he went to Brian's home, knowing that Brian would be at 12, Shelley Street, and had intercourse with Brian's wife, leaving at 10.30pm
(c) from 10.45 to 2.45am he was drinking at the Pgi's Head in Walthamstow.
Draft Byron's defence statement.
WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Byron was arrested upon suspicion of burglary at 12, Shelley Street after a witness named him as the person she saw leaving the property at night carrying a television at around 9.05pm.
Later, Brian was arrested as his fingerprints were found inside the house. They are jointly charged. You represent Byron. In conference, he tells you that that evening, he has 3 alibis;
(a) from 7.45pm-9pm he was burgling 14, Larkin Road, Hackney;
(b) directly after that, he went to Brian's home, knowing that Brian would be at 12, Shelley Street, and had intercourse with Brian's wife, leaving at 10.30pm
(c) from 10.45 to 2.45am he was drinking at the Pgi's Head in Walthamstow.
Draft Byron's defence statement.
WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Monday, April 25, 2005
I'll Be
I'll Be
Edwin McCain
From - Misguided Roses
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things you said
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Edwin McCain
From - Misguided Roses
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things you said
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Friday, April 22, 2005
*News flash* I have been robbed by a bitch!
You know, there are people out there who are just plain assholes and bitches.
For example, I have been applying for jobs with the possibility of pro-longing my stay in this foreign country. I finally was offered a job interview and I was glad. Unfortunately it clashed with 2 classes, so I asked if it could be rescheduled for another day as it would be extremely difficult for me to attend. The person in charge was not around and I was told she would get back to me as soon as possible.
The following day, I got a call from her colleague in the department informing me that the dates and slots for the interview could not be changed and that the person in charge had given up my slot to somebody else because she was under the impression I would not be able to make it anyway. I concede that I might have given the impression I was unable to attend if it was on Tuesday. But that was MY slot to give away if I absolutely had to and not for her to do so! I feel that I have been treated unfairly as I would definitely have done all in my power to make that interview... and now this careless impulsive bitch took it away without consulting me first!!!I feel as though I have been robbed!! It is unjust to do so and the level of dissapointment reaches magnitudes of dissapointment no scale can ever register. A simple call could have cleared the matter. She should have asked me again if I still wanted the interview. There was absolutely no communication between her and me. How dare she assume!!!! Now that my prospects have gone from some to absolutely zero, I feel like a crushed can. So deflated and unfairly discarded.
BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've had an exceptionally stressful week and I slept at 8am preparing for classes and I got the call at 9.50am.. talk about rude awakenings!! FUCK! I AM IN NO MOOD TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT!! UGHZ! I just told a friend that if another complication like this arises, i.e. within the next week something as shitty as this happens again, I am going to go berzerk and turn into one of those mass murderers and go to the office which screwed up and open fire before turning the gun on myself!!
In the light that I have been so stressed out, it took me great difficulty to be at all civil in my complaint to her. Here's a fragment of the e-mail I sent;
"I would like to express my great dissapointment in
your conduct. You should have talked to me first
before giving my slot to someone else.I don't mean to
be hostile, but I feel that it is greatly unfair on my
part as I had merely asked if I could have the date of
the interview changed.
I understand that I might have given the impression
that I definitely could not attend, but a simple call
could have cleared up the matter. Furthermore, I feel
that it was my slot to give up if I absolutely had to.
Instead of being told that I could only attend an
interview on Tuesday and asked whether or not I could
make it, I was informed that it had been taken away
and had no prospects at all. I would have done
everything I could to attend that interview by
rearranging and rescheduling appointments. I feel as
though a golden opportunity has been yanked from right
under me.
I am very upset that I have been unfairly dropped from
the list of interviewees. Please understand the stress
and dissapointment this has caused me."
For example, I have been applying for jobs with the possibility of pro-longing my stay in this foreign country. I finally was offered a job interview and I was glad. Unfortunately it clashed with 2 classes, so I asked if it could be rescheduled for another day as it would be extremely difficult for me to attend. The person in charge was not around and I was told she would get back to me as soon as possible.
The following day, I got a call from her colleague in the department informing me that the dates and slots for the interview could not be changed and that the person in charge had given up my slot to somebody else because she was under the impression I would not be able to make it anyway. I concede that I might have given the impression I was unable to attend if it was on Tuesday. But that was MY slot to give away if I absolutely had to and not for her to do so! I feel that I have been treated unfairly as I would definitely have done all in my power to make that interview... and now this careless impulsive bitch took it away without consulting me first!!!I feel as though I have been robbed!! It is unjust to do so and the level of dissapointment reaches magnitudes of dissapointment no scale can ever register. A simple call could have cleared the matter. She should have asked me again if I still wanted the interview. There was absolutely no communication between her and me. How dare she assume!!!! Now that my prospects have gone from some to absolutely zero, I feel like a crushed can. So deflated and unfairly discarded.
BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've had an exceptionally stressful week and I slept at 8am preparing for classes and I got the call at 9.50am.. talk about rude awakenings!! FUCK! I AM IN NO MOOD TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT!! UGHZ! I just told a friend that if another complication like this arises, i.e. within the next week something as shitty as this happens again, I am going to go berzerk and turn into one of those mass murderers and go to the office which screwed up and open fire before turning the gun on myself!!
In the light that I have been so stressed out, it took me great difficulty to be at all civil in my complaint to her. Here's a fragment of the e-mail I sent;
"I would like to express my great dissapointment in
your conduct. You should have talked to me first
before giving my slot to someone else.I don't mean to
be hostile, but I feel that it is greatly unfair on my
part as I had merely asked if I could have the date of
the interview changed.
I understand that I might have given the impression
that I definitely could not attend, but a simple call
could have cleared up the matter. Furthermore, I feel
that it was my slot to give up if I absolutely had to.
Instead of being told that I could only attend an
interview on Tuesday and asked whether or not I could
make it, I was informed that it had been taken away
and had no prospects at all. I would have done
everything I could to attend that interview by
rearranging and rescheduling appointments. I feel as
though a golden opportunity has been yanked from right
under me.
I am very upset that I have been unfairly dropped from
the list of interviewees. Please understand the stress
and dissapointment this has caused me."
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Schadenfreude
schadenfreude \SHAHD-n-froy-duh\, noun:
A malicious satisfaction in the misfortunes of others.
Actually, the direct translation from the German term schadenfreude into English is “damage joy” or characterized as “sick pleasure”. Perhaps the more subjective approach to the translation would be that we derive pleasure and delight from the misfortune of others.
I’m here, I am schadenfreude, get used to it! So now that I’m out of the closet, let me tell you something about being schadenfreude. It really isn’t as bad as you think. I’m being honest with myself. I can’t help it if there are some people who can be so stupid. I’ve been told many times now that I’m evil. Well, boo hoo! Live with it! Recently, I was out with a couple of friends, this girl fell flat on her face behind us. I heard the loud thump so I turned around. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but apparently, I had a smile creeping up on my face. What can I say? I can’t help it! However, I’m quite sure that I only suffer from a mild case of it.
I’m not talking about the misfortune of tsunami victims or anything or anyone with misfortunes of such magnitudes. It has to come out of the stupidity of that person. It has got to be caused by his or her own idiocy. For example, deriving pleasure from the fact that your nemesis was scolded for being incompetent… in terms of sick pleasure, what about scaring someone and getting a kick out of it? I think it’s hilarious. It might be one of the oldest ones in the book, but it sure is funny. There was this one time when a friend was late. She apologized profusely and explained that she had fallen on the way. I asked her how she fell, and she explained further that she had slipped on a banana peel. Now, I don’t know if you can see the hilarity of the whole situation, but after she left the table, I could not help but laugh my head off. I didn’t know that people actually slipped on banana peels!!! I know… I’m really mean.
One other thing I like to do is laugh at these videos I've got. You see, I have 2 videos of dance competitions going on. In both, there’s this one clip where you see a girl fall flat on her butt. One was because she tripped over her own feet (now that is so bloody funny! HAHAHAHA). The other, she and her partner completely missed each other so he couldn’t get a hold of her hand in time to balance her. As a result, she tilted too far backwards, with her hand flailing in front of her trying to grab on to anything, and landed flat on her butt.
However, looking at Schadenfreude from a different perspective, it may also mean the feeling of being “Blessed” because no matter how deep in a valley you may seem, there is always someone worse off than ourselves. It is the state of being thankful that it is they instead of us being unfortunate. Ultimately though, it is never used in that sense in German. Instead, it always carries a negative connotation.
Here are just some German quotes on Schadenfreude I found online;
▪ Schadenfreude ist die schönste Freude (denn sie kommt von Herzen). Schadenfreude is the most beautiful kind of joy (since it comes directly from the heart).
▪ Neid zu fühlen ist menschlich, Schadenfreude zu genießen teuflisch. It is human to feel envy, but it is diabolic to enjoy Schadenfreude.
Apparently, the term was used in English long before, but it gained popularity after it was used in a dialoque in an episode of the Simpsons. Here is the extract of conversation between Homer and Lisa;
Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
Homer: (sarcastically) No, I do not know what Schadenfreude is. Please tell me, because I'm dying to know!
Lisa: It's a German term for 'shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
Although Homer apparently does not understand Lisa's explanation, his emotions towards Flanders are precisely what Schadenfreude is. So see, I’m sure everyone of us has a Schadenfreude streak in us. No matter how much you want to deny it, every one of us is a little Schadenfreude. If you found Home Alone 1 funny, you're definitely a little Schadenfreude!!!
p.s. It's no wonder my favourite character in Will & Grace is Karen Walker! Really, the show should be called Karen, or Jack & Karen in the least!
A malicious satisfaction in the misfortunes of others.
Actually, the direct translation from the German term schadenfreude into English is “damage joy” or characterized as “sick pleasure”. Perhaps the more subjective approach to the translation would be that we derive pleasure and delight from the misfortune of others.
I’m here, I am schadenfreude, get used to it! So now that I’m out of the closet, let me tell you something about being schadenfreude. It really isn’t as bad as you think. I’m being honest with myself. I can’t help it if there are some people who can be so stupid. I’ve been told many times now that I’m evil. Well, boo hoo! Live with it! Recently, I was out with a couple of friends, this girl fell flat on her face behind us. I heard the loud thump so I turned around. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but apparently, I had a smile creeping up on my face. What can I say? I can’t help it! However, I’m quite sure that I only suffer from a mild case of it.
I’m not talking about the misfortune of tsunami victims or anything or anyone with misfortunes of such magnitudes. It has to come out of the stupidity of that person. It has got to be caused by his or her own idiocy. For example, deriving pleasure from the fact that your nemesis was scolded for being incompetent… in terms of sick pleasure, what about scaring someone and getting a kick out of it? I think it’s hilarious. It might be one of the oldest ones in the book, but it sure is funny. There was this one time when a friend was late. She apologized profusely and explained that she had fallen on the way. I asked her how she fell, and she explained further that she had slipped on a banana peel. Now, I don’t know if you can see the hilarity of the whole situation, but after she left the table, I could not help but laugh my head off. I didn’t know that people actually slipped on banana peels!!! I know… I’m really mean.
One other thing I like to do is laugh at these videos I've got. You see, I have 2 videos of dance competitions going on. In both, there’s this one clip where you see a girl fall flat on her butt. One was because she tripped over her own feet (now that is so bloody funny! HAHAHAHA). The other, she and her partner completely missed each other so he couldn’t get a hold of her hand in time to balance her. As a result, she tilted too far backwards, with her hand flailing in front of her trying to grab on to anything, and landed flat on her butt.
However, looking at Schadenfreude from a different perspective, it may also mean the feeling of being “Blessed” because no matter how deep in a valley you may seem, there is always someone worse off than ourselves. It is the state of being thankful that it is they instead of us being unfortunate. Ultimately though, it is never used in that sense in German. Instead, it always carries a negative connotation.
Here are just some German quotes on Schadenfreude I found online;
▪ Schadenfreude ist die schönste Freude (denn sie kommt von Herzen). Schadenfreude is the most beautiful kind of joy (since it comes directly from the heart).
▪ Neid zu fühlen ist menschlich, Schadenfreude zu genießen teuflisch. It is human to feel envy, but it is diabolic to enjoy Schadenfreude.
Apparently, the term was used in English long before, but it gained popularity after it was used in a dialoque in an episode of the Simpsons. Here is the extract of conversation between Homer and Lisa;
Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
Homer: (sarcastically) No, I do not know what Schadenfreude is. Please tell me, because I'm dying to know!
Lisa: It's a German term for 'shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
Although Homer apparently does not understand Lisa's explanation, his emotions towards Flanders are precisely what Schadenfreude is. So see, I’m sure everyone of us has a Schadenfreude streak in us. No matter how much you want to deny it, every one of us is a little Schadenfreude. If you found Home Alone 1 funny, you're definitely a little Schadenfreude!!!
p.s. It's no wonder my favourite character in Will & Grace is Karen Walker! Really, the show should be called Karen, or Jack & Karen in the least!
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Hues of Purple and Burgundy
Okay, this is going to be so totally unrelated, but anyway, my close friends know that I have very vivid and strange dreams. Here's one that I had this evening;
I remember a great big open space... like an abandoned aerodrome. I was with friends, but no one I know in reality... at least not in the present. Anyway, it was at night. The sky was clear with no clouds. The stars were shining brightly. Beside the aerodrome was a road and opposite were houses. All was calm. There weren't many lights, but the moon was bright so you could see across the open space. We were talking about strange recent occurrences and one that cropped up was the fact witnesses had seen someone or something steal a motorbike (don't ask) by carrying it and running off. It was so strange and eerie at the same time.
Then suddenly, someone pointed up into the sky and shouted for the rest to look. There was a bright purple spot in the sky... one that grew by the seconds. It looked like hues of purple and burgundy.... like when the sun sets and the clouds in the sky turn reddish-purple. It looked like that and the colours moved as though they were alive. But as they grew bigger, it became more apparent that they were actually metal falling to the ground. It came crashing onto the aerodrome and I remember seeing parts of motorbikes falling around me.
It was one freaky dream. I felt scared and so alone and helpless. Imagine being there. At night, witnessing the whole incident... very sci-fi, but just imagine how you'd feel. Huge pieces of metal falling from the sky... engulfed in hues of purple and burgundy... as though they were really hot... and everything started from this tiny spec in the sky. Weird huh?
I remember a great big open space... like an abandoned aerodrome. I was with friends, but no one I know in reality... at least not in the present. Anyway, it was at night. The sky was clear with no clouds. The stars were shining brightly. Beside the aerodrome was a road and opposite were houses. All was calm. There weren't many lights, but the moon was bright so you could see across the open space. We were talking about strange recent occurrences and one that cropped up was the fact witnesses had seen someone or something steal a motorbike (don't ask) by carrying it and running off. It was so strange and eerie at the same time.
Then suddenly, someone pointed up into the sky and shouted for the rest to look. There was a bright purple spot in the sky... one that grew by the seconds. It looked like hues of purple and burgundy.... like when the sun sets and the clouds in the sky turn reddish-purple. It looked like that and the colours moved as though they were alive. But as they grew bigger, it became more apparent that they were actually metal falling to the ground. It came crashing onto the aerodrome and I remember seeing parts of motorbikes falling around me.
It was one freaky dream. I felt scared and so alone and helpless. Imagine being there. At night, witnessing the whole incident... very sci-fi, but just imagine how you'd feel. Huge pieces of metal falling from the sky... engulfed in hues of purple and burgundy... as though they were really hot... and everything started from this tiny spec in the sky. Weird huh?
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Matthew Shepard
These are extracts from Dennis Shepard's statements to the court at the trial for sentence of Aaron McKinney in the case of R v McKinney on November 4, 1999 ;
"Matt loved people and he trusted them. He could never understand how one person could hurt another, physically or verbally. They would hurt him, and he would give them another chance. This quality of seeing only good gave him friends around the world. He didn’t see size, race, intelligence, sex, religion, or the hundred other things that people use to make choices about people. All he saw was the person. All he wanted was to make another person his friend. All he wanted was to make another person feel good. All he wanted was to be accepted as an equal.
Matt officially died at 12:53 a.m. on Monday, October 12, 1998, in a hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado. He actually died on the outskirts of Laramie tied to a fence that Wednesday before, when you beat him. You, Mr. McKinney, with your friend Mr. Henderson, killed my son. By the end of the beating, his body was just trying to survive. You left him out there by himself, but he wasn’t alone. There were his lifelong friends with him—friends that he had grown up with. You’re probably wondering who these friends were.
First, he had the beautiful night sky with the same stars and moon that we used to look at through a telescope. Then, he had the daylight and the sun to shine on him one more time—one more cool, wonderful autumn day in Wyoming. His last day alive in Wyoming. His last day alive in the state that he always proudly called home. And through it all he was breathing in for the last time the smell of Wyoming sagebrush and the scent of pine trees from the snowy range. He heard the wind—the ever-present Wyoming wind—for the last time. He had one more friend with him. One he grew to know through his time in Sunday school and as an acolyte at St. Mark’s in Casper as well as through his visits to St. Matthew’s in Laramie. He had God. I feel better knowing he wasn’t alone.
Matt became a symbol—some say a martyr, putting a boy-next-door face on hate crimes. That’s fine with me. Matt would be thrilled if his death would help others.
Matt’s beating, hospitalization, and funeral focused worldwide attention on hate. Good is coming out of evil. People have said “Enough is enough.” You screwed up, Mr. McKinney. You made the world realize that a person’s lifestyle is not a reason for discrimination, intolerance, persecution, and violence. This is not the 1920s, 30s, and 40s of Nazi Germany. My son died because of your ignorance and intolerance. I can’t bring him back. But I can do my best to see that this never, ever happens to another person or another family again. As I mentioned earlier, my son has become a symbol—a symbol against hate and people like you; a symbol for encouraging respect for individuality; for appreciating that someone is different; for tolerance. I miss my son, but I’m proud to be able to say that he is my son.
I, too, believe in the death penalty. I would like nothing better than to see you die, Mr. McKinney. However,this is the time to begin the healing process. To show mercy to someone who refused to show any mercy. To use this as the first step in my own closure about losing Matt.
You robbed me of something very precious, and I will never forgive you for that. Mr. McKinney, I give you life in the memory of one who no longer lives. May you have a long life, and may you thank Matthew every day for it."
May he rest in peace...
"Matt loved people and he trusted them. He could never understand how one person could hurt another, physically or verbally. They would hurt him, and he would give them another chance. This quality of seeing only good gave him friends around the world. He didn’t see size, race, intelligence, sex, religion, or the hundred other things that people use to make choices about people. All he saw was the person. All he wanted was to make another person his friend. All he wanted was to make another person feel good. All he wanted was to be accepted as an equal.
Matt officially died at 12:53 a.m. on Monday, October 12, 1998, in a hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado. He actually died on the outskirts of Laramie tied to a fence that Wednesday before, when you beat him. You, Mr. McKinney, with your friend Mr. Henderson, killed my son. By the end of the beating, his body was just trying to survive. You left him out there by himself, but he wasn’t alone. There were his lifelong friends with him—friends that he had grown up with. You’re probably wondering who these friends were.
First, he had the beautiful night sky with the same stars and moon that we used to look at through a telescope. Then, he had the daylight and the sun to shine on him one more time—one more cool, wonderful autumn day in Wyoming. His last day alive in Wyoming. His last day alive in the state that he always proudly called home. And through it all he was breathing in for the last time the smell of Wyoming sagebrush and the scent of pine trees from the snowy range. He heard the wind—the ever-present Wyoming wind—for the last time. He had one more friend with him. One he grew to know through his time in Sunday school and as an acolyte at St. Mark’s in Casper as well as through his visits to St. Matthew’s in Laramie. He had God. I feel better knowing he wasn’t alone.
Matt became a symbol—some say a martyr, putting a boy-next-door face on hate crimes. That’s fine with me. Matt would be thrilled if his death would help others.
Matt’s beating, hospitalization, and funeral focused worldwide attention on hate. Good is coming out of evil. People have said “Enough is enough.” You screwed up, Mr. McKinney. You made the world realize that a person’s lifestyle is not a reason for discrimination, intolerance, persecution, and violence. This is not the 1920s, 30s, and 40s of Nazi Germany. My son died because of your ignorance and intolerance. I can’t bring him back. But I can do my best to see that this never, ever happens to another person or another family again. As I mentioned earlier, my son has become a symbol—a symbol against hate and people like you; a symbol for encouraging respect for individuality; for appreciating that someone is different; for tolerance. I miss my son, but I’m proud to be able to say that he is my son.
I, too, believe in the death penalty. I would like nothing better than to see you die, Mr. McKinney. However,this is the time to begin the healing process. To show mercy to someone who refused to show any mercy. To use this as the first step in my own closure about losing Matt.
You robbed me of something very precious, and I will never forgive you for that. Mr. McKinney, I give you life in the memory of one who no longer lives. May you have a long life, and may you thank Matthew every day for it."
May he rest in peace...
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Passages from my past...
Passages from my past which I am ready to share. Written a long time ago, and are very personal But now that that chapter has been shut tight, they can now be revealed.
Silently, a breeze blows over the meadow,
Unseen and relentless, it caresses the leaves on the sycamore,
Then the mighty wind brings the storm in tow,
Ready to pour its precious life, onto the barren earth.
The great tree with the rustling leaves,
Unyielding to the approaching storm,
Proudly displaying its grand demeanour,
With the symphony of nature, its leaves perform.
Love is like the tree,
Steadfast and sure,
Always there, as a pillar of strength,
...
Love is like the wind…
Invisible, but I know its there.
Bringing the storm, my tears may drop,
But life it gives, for truth it drops…
Send a breeze my way,
With a storm in tow,
With thunder demanding my love,
And lightning desperate to be heard,
A storm that will leave a rainbow behind,
And with love like the sycamore,
Brave and certain,
To be there, to shelter forever.
.......................................................
I suffer in silence as the world continues to turn and buzz with life.
The sun might continue to shine, but I will continue to be the empty vessel I am now.
Nothing could light up my dark days yet again to those days I could hear angels singing from above... my heart is a heavy lump of muscle,
pumping blood, blood coursing through my veins.
...
It once fed my soul with vibrant colours of joy,
Which have now vanished into nothingness...
Instead, now all it feeds my soul is pain, grief, and sorrow... when will it end?
.......................................................
... but let me dwell a little bit longer,
As the turmoil of emotions settle down to a tender hum...
The demons in my heart are still chanting war songs,
Urging me to fight for love
It is a long lonely journey...
And as I sit here in despair,
Fighting the demons to quite down,
Not letting a single tear escape my weary eyes,
I am desolated, dejected, and wretched...
.......................................................
It is our destiny,
To finally become one with the light once again.
It is there, but we cannot see it.
The mortal world is suffocating us...
We do not see where we are going.
The darkness so thick, we can almost feel it,
But if we struggle, we will only continue to drown.
.......................................................
You are the perfect angel for the imperfect me.
Save my world from collapsing,
Save my heart from shattering, my perfect angel...
Light
A composition written in 2001 by a dear friend (who also is a lamer cause he doesnt ever reply emails)...
Light,
by Timothy Lim
There is a light at the end of the tunnel,
A brilliant one.
I stretch out to grasp it,
Only then did I realize that my arms were not long enough.
I had to make the trip,
I had to make the effort,
A journey of miles begins in steps , they say.
It is not without pain when I realized as well, that the light was beginning to dim,
I would be trapped in darkness !!!
A darkness so thick that you can feel it,
But my soul is at peace.
There are more ways then one to get to the light,
I will be able to derive at one of them, I am sure of that.
Because I know that I was not born brilliant,
But I was not born without a mind either.
I quickly understand why I was brought into the world of man.
To conquer the darkness , to merge with light.
I understand that my every pitfall,
My every adventition,
Is merely a test of my integrity.
God is not at work behind those capasitators.
God is in the light.
God is the light.
I almost smile.
I see it clearly now.
I remember now.
If I remember clearly, I think there was once that I was one with the light .
It was pleasurable to my soul.
It's radiant glow encaptured me in almost a trance-like state.
It was only my hunger for worldly things that brought me to my current disposition.
Fragile human love.
The light...
Oh, I will cherish this moment of enlightenment for the rest of my life.
The light.
The path.
The lighted path.
The dimly lighted path.
Indeed it is my destiny...
Light,
by Timothy Lim
There is a light at the end of the tunnel,
A brilliant one.
I stretch out to grasp it,
Only then did I realize that my arms were not long enough.
I had to make the trip,
I had to make the effort,
A journey of miles begins in steps , they say.
It is not without pain when I realized as well, that the light was beginning to dim,
I would be trapped in darkness !!!
A darkness so thick that you can feel it,
But my soul is at peace.
There are more ways then one to get to the light,
I will be able to derive at one of them, I am sure of that.
Because I know that I was not born brilliant,
But I was not born without a mind either.
I quickly understand why I was brought into the world of man.
To conquer the darkness , to merge with light.
I understand that my every pitfall,
My every adventition,
Is merely a test of my integrity.
God is not at work behind those capasitators.
God is in the light.
God is the light.
I almost smile.
I see it clearly now.
I remember now.
If I remember clearly, I think there was once that I was one with the light .
It was pleasurable to my soul.
It's radiant glow encaptured me in almost a trance-like state.
It was only my hunger for worldly things that brought me to my current disposition.
Fragile human love.
The light...
Oh, I will cherish this moment of enlightenment for the rest of my life.
The light.
The path.
The lighted path.
The dimly lighted path.
Indeed it is my destiny...
Wishing for a bridge
A man was walking along the beach in California one day, thinking to himself and doing his best to sort out his life and pray for happiness. He stopped and looked up to the sky, looking for a sign of his faith, and said, "Oh Lord, if you are there... grant me one wish." Suddenly there was a crack of lightning in the sky and in a booming voice echoed from above, saying, "Man, you have done your best to be faithful, though you have not always succeeded. I will grant your prayer and offer you one wish."
The man looked out over the ocean, thought it over for a moment, and said, "I wish for you to build a bridge all the way to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The voice boomed, "Think of this would entail! The millions of tons of concrete and steel, the depths of the Pacific to build on... such a materialistic wish! I can certainly do it, as anything is in my power, but it would be better for your soul to put aside this desire for worldly things. Pray for a moment and think of another wish, a wish that would honor and glorify me." The man sat down on the sand and thought about it.
Finally he gazed upward and said, "Oh Lord, I have been married and divorced five times. I did not understand any of my wives, and every one said i was insensitive and ignorant..." "Lord," he continued. "My wish is to understand women, to know how they feel, what they think, why they laugh and cry, and how I can truly make them happy." The man looked up at the sky, awaiting his answer. There was a minute of absolute silence... then another... and another. Finally, the voice boomed, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
The man looked out over the ocean, thought it over for a moment, and said, "I wish for you to build a bridge all the way to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The voice boomed, "Think of this would entail! The millions of tons of concrete and steel, the depths of the Pacific to build on... such a materialistic wish! I can certainly do it, as anything is in my power, but it would be better for your soul to put aside this desire for worldly things. Pray for a moment and think of another wish, a wish that would honor and glorify me." The man sat down on the sand and thought about it.
Finally he gazed upward and said, "Oh Lord, I have been married and divorced five times. I did not understand any of my wives, and every one said i was insensitive and ignorant..." "Lord," he continued. "My wish is to understand women, to know how they feel, what they think, why they laugh and cry, and how I can truly make them happy." The man looked up at the sky, awaiting his answer. There was a minute of absolute silence... then another... and another. Finally, the voice boomed, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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